In The Dark
by Thecastlefan101
Summary: Their eyes meet across the church, so many unexpressed emotions in their eyes. And when the lights go out he doesn't care about the man standing next to her. He only cares about conveying his love for her through this kiss. The type of kiss only a husband


**_"I heard the church bells from afar, but we found each other in the dark."_**

**_- City and Colour _**

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><p>The sun shines brightly in the ocean blue, cloudless sky. And that should make him happy, should cause the writer in him to want to put words to paper, but it doesn't. How can the world be happy and he feels so dead inside? He hates it. And he knows that's a strong word, that he shouldn't put this idea out into the world because he believes in karma but he can't bring himself to care. Or maybe he cares too much. Whatever it is, he hates that the world can move on without him when all he wants is for it to either swallow him whole or stop so he can fix his horrible mistake.<p>

He hears the crowd, the quiet murmur of people before he sees them. He rounds the corner and comes to a stop as he gazes upon the people he hasn't seen in a year and a half. He smiles, smiles because it used to hurt so much to lose the people he once called his family. But now, now it's just a numbness he feels deep within the abyss of his soul. And so he smiles, pity for himself for losing any emotion towards any human being anymore (with the exception of Alexis but even their relationship isn't the same anymore with her away at her senior year in college.)

He walks up slowly, wants someone to notice him so he won't have to announce himself. Sad and pathetic, he knows, but he's been a coward for so long why not now?

It's Jim that notices him first. The man gives him a smile, a real smile, he can see the pity behind it and he wishes he could tell the man he's fine, that this doesn't hurt him as much as it should. It's bullshit but Jim doesn't need to know that.

He stretches his hand out and he gladly shakes it and asks the man how he's doing. "Fine," Jim replies. "Happy for Katie." And Castle leaves it at that, doesn't need the intimate details about how Kate is fine without him.

Lanie spots him next and eyes him suspiciously, but in the end gives him a slight nod and can he really blame the woman? Surely Kate had told her what he did and why they broke up and she still has a little resentment towards him. He gives her a small smile and she nudges Esposito and points in his direction. The man turns and gives him a wide smile, comes over and pats him on the back. They exchange formalities and Ryan comes over and they muck it up. Talking as if nothings changed, as if he hasn't _not_ spoken to them since he ended it with Kate. And that's okay, he guesses, because they won't see each other ever again after this. This is his last day in New York. The loft is all packed up, most of his items already shipped off to Canada.

And that's when he hears it, the small sound of the band playing that stupid music that signifies his sadness, that he'll be sad the rest of his life. All the guests rush back into the church, filling the seats to capacity. No one offers him one, didn't expect them to, so he sits in the back, so no one can spot him. And that's when she enters, dressed in a long, beautiful milk white wedding dress. A veil that hides her face, but he can clearly see the smile that's planted there. Her father is escorting her down the aisle and there are no words to describe the heartache he feels. No words to describe his deep regret, for the love for her that still burns brightly, no matter how badly he's tried to blow out that flame. Embers of them always remain and then his love is reignited and it's like the punishment for what he did. Because of it he has to live with loving her, of knowing he can never love another because of it.

She doesn't see him when she walks past, eyes to transfixed on her soon-to-be husband. And he's relieved. He wouldn't want anyone else following her line of sight to find him at Kate's wedding. All dressed up and on the verge of tears.

He had his suit tailored the day he found out she was getting married. It fits nicely, he dare say. It's something she would've loved peeling from his skin not to long ago.

The church doors close when Kate makes it to the altar and that's when notices just how bright is it in here with all the lights. And he silently sobs in the back of the back of the room because he'll be living in nothing but darkness for the rest of his life and suddenly he doesn't think he'll survive this. But he needs to be here. He needs to watch her choose someone else permanently because if he doesn't he'll always wonder what if. So many fucking what if's that it'll drive him crazy for the his life if he doesn't close this book now. So he stays. He stays at this wedding despite the immense pain it's causing him.

He looks around while the Pastor says his thing, notices how many damn lights there really is. And maybe Kate did it as symbolism to herself. Something only she (and him) could understand. That she's through hiding in the shadows and the dark corners of herself, that she's ready to open up to someone wholly without any secrets or looking back.

He's going to get blackout drunk after this.

Maybe that'll help numb the pain some more.

The amount of lights could be from a lack of Windows too, although he doubts it. There's only one and it's extremely small, not like the type that's usually in churches. But it's befitting that Kate would want to marry in such a small church. Not wanting anything to big but still simply beautiful. And he has to admit, she did a great job.

It's when the pastor tells them to say their prewritten vows that he looks at them. And in his head he recites the vows he'd written for her around the time he wrote his bucket list. He still means every word.

_"Kate, from the first day I met you I knew you were going to be the one to save me. Before you I was drowning, drowning in the fame, the parties, the money, and benefits of being me. And I hated it. I hated every second of it. Writing was no longer something I yearned to do, but something I had to do. But you, you took that all away by doing something no one did. You were yourself. You didn't get sucked in to the fame or the charm like others did. You inspired me to write again, you taught me to love it again, you made me into the man I am today. Not guarded behind my fame but open to love and life. You were my solid ground right when I needed you the most. And from that moment on you've held me tightly. Loved me deeply. And for that I love you and am eternally grateful. And I'm honored to be able to get to spend the rest of my life loving you as fiercely as you love me."_

Or something like that anyway. There's no way he could tell her how much she means to him in those words. He's crossed them out and rewritten them again so many times. There just aren't enough words to express it, isn't enough time in the world to tell it. And he realizes it's still just completely and utterly wrong. It shouldn't be about him. They're his vows to _her_. It should be about her and he can't even fucking get it right on the last fucking day he'll see her.

Ha! He's pathetic.

And then Kate says her vows and he covers his ears while his eyes glass over with tears because he wants so badly to just scream "stop" because he cannot breathe through another moment of this. He can't hear her confess her love for another man, already has to witness her putting that damn band on another mans finger. Why is he doing this to himself?

He unplugs his ears and catches the tail end of her vows.

"And I love you. Forever."

And it's like a stab to the heart. And he can feel the pain – throbbing.

_Always_.

It's echoed there with her, directed towards _him_. Her _husband_.

"You may now kiss the bride." And then she kisses the man with the same enthusiasm she had with him and _wow._

She really loves her husband.

But he can't love her like he can. No man can ever love her like he can.

People all around stand and cheer, clapping with glee at the happy couple. He sits and watches. And something to his left catches his attention. A teenage girl, no more than 13, still sitting cell phone in one hand, charger in the other.

He turns back to Kate and decides it's time to go. So he stands and the second he does his eyes meet hers and he feels like sobbing all over again. He's always been able to read her, see the cracks in her foundation even when she wouldn't let anyone close enough to see. But this right here, proves how deep their connection is, how it will always be. The chemistry still flowing between them like electricity, buzzing and buzzing until he feels it low in his stomach. But at the same time right now he can see pain etched on her face. Something like regret, dismay, and love. It's love that shines so bright and so clearly in her eyes. And he wants so badly to take it, to claim it as love for him but he knows he can't. So he straightens his jacket and just as he's about to break their gaze the lights go out and it's pitch black. He hears a little girl yell, "I'm so sorry."

But he wastes no time in running to her, to Kate. Taking full advantage of this opportunity. He runs and runs and when he knows he's reached her he cups her face in his palms and smashes his mouth to hers. And he does it with everything he's got. He conveys everything into it. All his owed apologies, love, his regret, his desire for forgiveness. And she kisses him back. Doesn't waste a second in giving it all back to him. And he knows she knows it's him because she's whispering his name, heartbreak and love in her voice.

"Castle." So sharp and low but she doesn't push him away, never pushes him away.

By the time anyone can turn on their cell phones or the power is back up, he's back across the room staring at her again with hurt in his eyes, and even more pain etched across his face. Her husband stands a few inches behind her, completely unaware of what just happened between them. He leaves then, out the front doors and never once does he look back because it'll hurt too much to watch her go right back into her husband's arms. Even after discovering what's still between them.

But after what he did he doesn't deserve her. He's not worthy of her, never was. She's always been to good for him and now that she's with another man he let himself accept it, even if it takes his whole life.

It hurts like it did the first day they weren't together anymore. Because he knows he's tainted this day for her, this memory. The happiest day of her life and her ex shows up and kisses her. Call him selfish but at least now he knows that as long as she's married to her husband that she'll never forget him, that whenever they're in the dark together she'll think of him.

Always.

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><p><strong>Please review! <strong>


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